Top 5 “WTF?!” lyrics

October 2nd, 2009

I listen to a lot of music. I consider most of it pretty awesome, but occassionally, a song comes up, I’m getting into it, and I hear a song that just makes me go “OMGWTF?!”. This is a list of those things. I’m automatically excluding bands that are just gigantic jokes, because that’d be too easy- I’m looking at you Broken Millionaires On The Dancefloor

1. Beyonce - Irreplaceable

I could have another you in a minute/Matter fact he’ll be here in a minute, baby

Okay, so Bey is so pissed at this guy she’s breaking up with him – apparently because he was cheating on her. Good reason to break up with a guy, in my opinion. However, she’s getting back at him by… getting with a guy exactly like him? If the first guy sucked, the other him is going to suck . Personally, I’d go with “I’ll have a rich, successful, smart, gorgeous male model/CEO of a Fortune 500 company/Jensen Ackles in a minute/matter fact he’ll be here in a minute”.

2. Paramore – Misery Business

Whoa, I never meant to brag/But I got him where I want him now/Whoa, it was never my intention to brag/To steal it all away from you now

This could be my undying hatred of Paramore talking, but if you’re going to spend half the song bragging about how you scammed on some chick’s boyfriend and “stole him”, it’s probably best not to sing about how you never meant to brag. It’s kind of like saying “No offence, but you’re a raging whore and your face looks like the surface of Mars”. It doesn’t change the fact that, you know, you’re doing it. Hayley, own the fact you’re bragging.

3. Ben Folds – The Luckiest

What if I’d been born fifty years before you/In a house on a street where you lived?/Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike/Would I know?

Okay, I love this song. It’s sweet and adorable and makes me smile. However, this lyrics? Squicks me out. Why? Well, it’s about a guy and his soulmate. The one he’s meant to be with, romantically, for ever. And then he sings about being 50+ and watching a (presumably very young) child riding her bike, wondering if she’s the one for him. Yeah, do I have to say much more?

4. Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You

You can imagine his surprise/When he saw his own eyes/I said please, please understand/Im in love with another man
And what he couldnt give me/Was the one little thing that you can

Roughly translated: I slept with you so you could impregnate me! My husband/boyfriend couldn’t knock me up, so I had to outsource. It leads to a few questions! 1) Does her husband/boyfriend know that he’s not the daddy? 2) Did she really plan on waiting in the rain ’til some dude picked her up? 3) How many guys did she sleep with? The song, up until this point, is an epic ode to one night stands. Then it goes straight into “IMPREGNATE ME, BOYS”. Awkward.

5. Kanye West – Jesus Walks

To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers/(Jesus walks with them)

Look Kanye, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best WTF lyrics of all time!

Okay, really. This isn’t WTF because Kanye thinks Jesus walks with everyone. It’s WTF because the way it’s rapped seems to imply that killers, murderers, and drug dealers are way better than strippers. C’mon, even the strippers? I guess Kanye thinks you can shoot someone up, sell them drugs, but lord help you if you show your boobies off for cash.

Also, killers and murderers are kind of the same thing. Department of Redundancy Department anyone?

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