October 2nd, 2009
I listen to a lot of music. I consider most of it pretty awesome, but occassionally, a song comes up, I’m getting into it, and I hear a song that just makes me go “OMGWTF?!”. This is a list of those things. I’m automatically excluding bands that are just gigantic jokes, because that’d be too easy- I’m looking at you Broken Millionaires On The Dancefloor
1. Beyonce - Irreplaceable
I could have another you in a minute/Matter fact he’ll be here in a minute, baby
Okay, so Bey is so pissed at this guy she’s breaking up with him – apparently because he was cheating on her. Good reason to break up with a guy, in my opinion. However, she’s getting back at him by… getting with a guy exactly like him? If the first guy sucked, the other him is going to suck . Personally, I’d go with “I’ll have a rich, successful, smart, gorgeous male model/CEO of a Fortune 500 company/Jensen Ackles in a minute/matter fact he’ll be here in a minute”.
2. Paramore – Misery Business
Whoa, I never meant to brag/But I got him where I want him now/Whoa, it was never my intention to brag/To steal it all away from you now
This could be my undying hatred of Paramore talking, but if you’re going to spend half the song bragging about how you scammed on some chick’s boyfriend and “stole him”, it’s probably best not to sing about how you never meant to brag. It’s kind of like saying “No offence, but you’re a raging whore and your face looks like the surface of Mars”. It doesn’t change the fact that, you know, you’re doing it. Hayley, own the fact you’re bragging.
3. Ben Folds – The Luckiest
What if I’d been born fifty years before you/In a house on a street where you lived?/Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike/Would I know?
Okay, I love this song. It’s sweet and adorable and makes me smile. However, this lyrics? Squicks me out. Why? Well, it’s about a guy and his soulmate. The one he’s meant to be with, romantically, for ever. And then he sings about being 50+ and watching a (presumably very young) child riding her bike, wondering if she’s the one for him. Yeah, do I have to say much more?
4. Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You
You can imagine his surprise/When he saw his own eyes/I said please, please understand/Im in love with another man
And what he couldnt give me/Was the one little thing that you can
Roughly translated: I slept with you so you could impregnate me! My husband/boyfriend couldn’t knock me up, so I had to outsource. It leads to a few questions! 1) Does her husband/boyfriend know that he’s not the daddy? 2) Did she really plan on waiting in the rain ’til some dude picked her up? 3) How many guys did she sleep with? The song, up until this point, is an epic ode to one night stands. Then it goes straight into “IMPREGNATE ME, BOYS”. Awkward.
5. Kanye West – Jesus Walks
To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers/(Jesus walks with them)
Look Kanye, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best WTF lyrics of all time!
Okay, really. This isn’t WTF because Kanye thinks Jesus walks with everyone. It’s WTF because the way it’s rapped seems to imply that killers, murderers, and drug dealers are way better than strippers. C’mon, even the strippers? I guess Kanye thinks you can shoot someone up, sell them drugs, but lord help you if you show your boobies off for cash.
Also, killers and murderers are kind of the same thing. Department of Redundancy Department anyone?
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September 5th, 2009
Brokencyde are an American crunk core band that somehow manage to both suck and blow at the same time. They’re so bad that within the first 30 seconds of one of their songs, you’ll actually contemplate stabbing yourself in the eardrum just to ease the pain. All the autotune in the world can’t save the lead singer’s voice, and the screamer/growler sounds suspiciously like my cat when she’s horking up a furball. On top of that, they’re also offensive – glorifying rape, racism, abusing women, homophobia, substance abuse, and drug use. Winners, aren’t they? They also look like complete douchebags, proving that judging a book by its cover isn’t always a bad thing.
Now, onto the lyrics!
1. This bitch is crazy make me wanna smack a
(Ho yeah)
But I’m not like that I’m a gentleman (not)
YOU FUCKIN BITCH
COME SUCK MY DICK
I hate these fuckin’ whores from Yellow Bus
Because smacking around women and demanding that they suck your dick is something all men should do. Oh, and don’t forget to use misogynistic insults to refer to women. Us “hos” love that, I promise. It’s like the mating call of the douchebag, and helps us work out which guys to avoid
2. So don’t you take this drink from me. I will knock you down on your knees. And make you lick my penis up and down, up and down… from 2 Drunk (2 Drive)
Oooh, look! They combine alcohol abuse, assault, and sexual assault! All within three lines, I bet their mothers are so proud.
3. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME!
YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY!
WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! from Sex Toyz
Sometimes, things are only offensive because they’re so fucking bad. I don’t think I can say anything else about lyrics that use the word pee pee. Honestly, what?
4. Do the booty clap girl
Do be useless.
Spank that ass like I am abusive from Get Up
Brokencyde’s though process while writing this song went a little like this: “Oh, hey, what haven’t we made fun of yet? Should we kill a few kittens in our next video? We can’t rape babies, we’ve gotta save that for when our fans lay off the crack pipe and realise how much we suck… oh hey! Let’s make light of domestic violence. GOD, WE’RE CREATIVE GENIUSES”.
5. Bree Bree! Nigga.
Hate! Kill! Love! Pain! (x4)
BC13 mother fucker! Bree Bree! from Bree Bree
Brokencyde, babies, you’re white. Due to that, you using the n-bomb makes you sound like a bunch of racist inbred hicks. I mean, okay, you probably are, but still. Way to encourage your fans to use racial slurs!
Also, where the fuck does the 13 come from in BC13? Average age of the fans?
6. I’ma need a little bit more drinks then that.
To hook up with a girl that looks like that.
Like OMG this bitch is fat!
She’ll totally squash my skinny ass (haha).
So lift me up. Lift me over the bar girl, fill me up.
I’ma need a couple more drinks, and some drugs.
To make me want to wake up next to this… What?
She gots me hypnotized!
I can tell by the way she licks her lips.
That we’re going to fuck tonight!
OMG I can not live like this.
Will someone take my life!
Here’s a knife, go ahead and slice my wrist.
I’m not emo, but I’d rather be dead then with this bitch! from Blame It On Tom
First: fatphobia. Um, loves, most fat chicks have way more sense than to even consider shagging your untalented arses. Second: apparently, all women want to hit that. Well, I kinda do, but not in that way. Third: Apparently, all women should exist to please the Brokencyde boys. Fourth: guys, if you have to use MySpace to pick up chicks, you’re doin’ it wrong. Also, they resort back to their old favourite of using misogynist terms to refer to women
7. Girl don’t you lie. I’m bulimic I can read your mind. You want my body. Why don’t you fucking spend the night. EVERYBODY CELABRATE! THROW YOUR PANTIES ON THE STAGE! EVERYBODY CELABRATE! THROW YOUR PANTIES ON THE STAGE!!! from Blue Steel
“I’m bulimic, I can read your mind” What in the fuckin’ fuckity fuck does that even mean? The throwing panties becomes even worse when you realise that most of the fans of this band are way underage. May they get nasty period stained knickers thrown at them.
8. You feel your body breaking down
I can take it away
All I need for you to say
IS FUCK ME DADDY! from True Love.
This song isn’t about child molestation, but these fuckers are so vile that I choose to interpret as that. Seeing as they like underage girls, it isn’t too far off the mark. Even if it isn’t, they like it when their girls call them “daddy”? Ew.
Okay, I can’t do this any more. There should be 10, but my brain is actually dribbling out of my ears. I’m about ten seconds and one more sexist lyric from committing homicide. I’m sorry, I just can’t subject myself to this any more. I’ve actually developed a nervous twitch while writing this blow.
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August 9th, 2009
My ten favourite albums. It took a while for me to cull it down to ten, but here goes! They’re in no particular order. You should comment with yours, I’m always into finding new music.
1. Fall Out Boy – Take This To Your Grave
Say what you want about Fall Out Boy, this album is pop punk brilliance. This was their third release, after 2002′s split EP with Project Rocket, and Fall Out Boy’s Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, and their first release with Andy Hurley. It’s just such a fun album. It’s Fall Out Boy before Pete Wentz wrote songs about being famous, and it’s less cynical than most. Who would’ve thought that these guys would go on to be one of the biggest bands in the world?
I still know all the words to this album, and am not above singing along to it, ’cause most of my friends do, too. It’s pretty much the album that sums me up for the last five or so years.
Favourite tracks: Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy, Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today, Saturday, The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes.
2. The Cure – Disintegration
I adore The Cure. I think Robert Smith has one of the most amazing voices ever, and that definitely shows through on this album. It contains my absolute favourite Cure song ever (Pictures of You). The entire album is just so gorgeous and it sucks you right in.
This album also gave the world Lovesong, which is one of the greatest love songs ever written.
Favourite tracks: Pictures of You, Lovesong, Lullabye
3. The Ataris – So Long, Astoria
I paid $35 for a copy of this when it was released, way back in 2003. In order to get that hideously overpriced copy, I had to go shopping with my mum in Melbourne, and beg her for the money. You know what? Totally worth it. This is one album I can listen to over and over again, and each time I’ll find something new I like about it.
I listened to this album at least once a day during the last few years of school, and even used one of the songs (Eight of Nine) as the basis for one of my English creative writing pieces (the piece got a 90%, hell yeah). So yeah, this is another album that defines me.. well, me when I was younger, at least.
Favourite tracks: Takeoffs and Landings, Radio #2, In This Diary, Boys of Summer, Looking Back on Today
4. MC Lars – This Gigantic Robot Kills
MC Lars has never actually done anything that sucked, but this album is absolutely brilliant. It’s the most recent release on this list, but according to my Last.FM, it’s my most played album. That’s impressive, especially when you consider that it has over twice the amount of plays as the next track on the list.
The album features a guest appearance by Gabe Saporta from Cobra Starship, and that’s enough to make a normal album great, let alone one that’s already fantastic.
Favourite tracks: Hey There Ophelia, Hipster Girl, True Player for Real, White Kids Aren’t Hyphy
5. Repo! the Genetic Opera OST
I love musicals, I love rock music, I love Paris Hilton, I love Anthony Stewart Head, and I love horror movies. There is no way on earth I could not love Repo! the Genetic Opera. Even if you haven’t seen the movie, the soundtrack is still worth listening to.
Everyone involved in this is completely suited to the role – yes, even Paris Hilton – and it shows through on the soundtrack.
Guest musicians include Joan Jett, Sonny Moore (ex-From First to Last), Melora Creager (Rasputina), and a bunch of other awesome people. This entire soundtrack is absolute win and awesome, I’ve yet to hear anyone go “Wow, you know the Repo soundtrack? It’s a gigantic pile of crap”.
Favourite tracks: Zydrate Anatomy, Seventeen, Didn’t Know I’d Love You So Much, Chase the Morning.
6. The Gaslight Anthem – The ’59 Sound
The Gaslight Anthem sound like Born to Run era Bruce Springsteen. That’s a good thing, because Bruce Springsteen isn’t called the boss for nothin’ and Born to Run’s a legendary album.
This album leaves me wishing I could relive my childhood in New Jersey… despite never having been to New Jersey. It’s just that the lyrics paint such a vivid picture that you can’t help but do so.
The best part of this album is that you don’t realise how much you love it until you realise that you’ve had it on repeat for the last five hours, and you don’t really want to stop.
Favourite tracks: The ’59 Sound, Here’s Looking at You, Kid, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Film Noir
7. Butch Walker – The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and The Lets-Go-Out-Tonites
Butch Walker is probably the single most underrated musician today. Sure, you’ve probably heard something of his, being that he’s wrote or produced a tonne of top forty records, but his solo work is criminally unheard of. He’s phenomenally talented, his lyrics are brilliant, and yet more people have heard of Short Stack than him? So very not right. Really, all BW should be on this list, I love ‘em all.
This album is pop-glam-rock awesomeness, with a few country inspired tracks, and it’s absolutely wonderful
Hot Girls in Good Moods will make you want to dance around while throwing things. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, people.
Favourite tracks: Hot Girls in Good Moods, Bethamphetamine (Pretty Pretty), Paid to Get Excited
8. Cobra Starship - ¡Viva la Cobra!
This album is so much fun. I don’t know, maybe I’m weird, but I love dancey fun music that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Cobra Starship are exactly that, and that’s why they’re here. Whoever said that music had to be serious to be good? I’m sorry, but any album which has the line “is that a house arrest bracelet in your pocket or do you got a dick like me?” is a winner in my book.
I do love While the City Sleeps…, but this album has Kiss My Sass, and that’s where I got my twitter and LJ usernames from, so that pushed it over the edge. Yes, I’m shallow, but I couldn’t decide. This album was also the first album with VickyT as a member of the band, and she is completely fierce, so Viva gets double points for that
Favourite Tracks: Kiss My Sass, Damn You Look Good and I’m Drunk, Guilty Pleasure, The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime), Three Times A Lady
9. The Academy Is… – Santi
Oooh, controversial opinion time! Most The Academy Is… fans prefer Almost Here, but Santi’s been my favourite since I heard it. There’s not a song on here that I choose to skip, and if I put it on, I have to listen from start to finish. Saying that, I’m probably going to get shanked by a bunch of TAI… fans now. You know how people accuse rap of being violent? Well, they’ve obviously never seen or heard a bunch of TAI… fans argue over which album’s better. Tears are shed, people’s mothers are insulted, and their heritage is questioned. Messy business.
The album starts with Same Blood, which is pretty epic, but it somehow manages to get better with each track. William Beckett’s voice is as much an instrument on this album as any of the guitars.
Also, it was produced by Butch Walker which gives it awesome points.
Favourite Tracks: LAX to O’Hare, Everything We Had, Neighbors, 40 Steps, We’ve Got a Big Mess On Our Hands
10. Kate Miller-Heidke – Curiouser
This album has a song about not being able to shake one’s booty or dance. I can relate to it, so this album speaks to me.
No, seriously, Kate is extremely talented. Her voice is absolutely gorgeous, and it’s a shame that people out of Australia haven’t heard of her. Definitely check her out. You’ll fall in love, I promise.
On the flip side of fun songs about not being able to dance, there’s also Caught in the Crowd, a song about bullying, and about how you don’t have to be the one doing the bullying to still do a bad thing.
Favourite tracks: Can’t Shake It, Caught in the Crowd, God’s Gift to Women
Keep in mind, this might change today, it might change next year, but it will change eventually.
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